This blog thing...

Hey, it's me again. I was just reading my friends' blog enteries... impressive. I, however, have been a complete slacker and to be honest am contemplating calling off my relationship with the blog. I knew there were going to be issues from the start, but I gave into peer pressure and joined the bloggers of the world.
Here's the deal... I LOVE to write. In fact, at times, I think it is what I do best... but there is a catch. I also consider it completely private and seldom share anything I write with anyone. So herein lies the problem... this blogging thing calls me to not only write but to share what I write and I don't like doing that. Therefore I spend half the time writing and the other half making sure I don't "get too honest". Some say the "eyes are the doorway to one's soul"... mine is writing and I don't want anyone that close to my soul without me escorting them there. So with that said, this is likely to be my last blog. Perhaps an occassional update as you've read thus far, but don't expect much more than that. ok?

inner circles

Well, this is a bit over due, isn't it? It's another late night/early morning of work here at the HOST program. I made a good purchase though and got me a portable DVD player to occupy some of my time here til morning. What on earth did we do before all this technology? I mean as though blogging, checking email, and surfing the net were not enough I have to go and buy a dvd player? Seem crazy, doesn't it?

As I prepare to write this I realize something... my life doesn't change much day to day. It's pretty much work, hanging out with friends and frequent drives by the new home. (Which by the way, looks really good.) I've been busy visualizing the new place what I'm going to do with it; colors, decor, all that fun stuff. Trivial, I know, but fun nonetheless. I drive by it and am reminded just how blessed I am. But, I'll tell you a secret --- I don't always feel that way. In fact, I'm embarrassed to say it but would you believe I actually said the phrase "sometimes I think God has forgotten about me." ? Can you believe that I would say that?! It took me less than a whole day to totally scold myself for such a thought, but to actually say those words to someone. WOW, that took some nerve on my part! Fortunately, my friends with whom I shared that thought know me well enough to know I didn't really mean it.

Basically I had been in a "funk". And it wasn't so much that I thought God forgot about me as it was that I just wasn't thinking about Him. Funny how we reverse that around a bit, huh? I'm not gonna lie I'm still not where I want to be (spiritually) right now... but I'll get there. I went to Louisville last weekend (that always seems to help), because some of my "inner circle" friends are there and sometimes I just need to be near those people. I love my "inner circle friends" but the hard part is that my "inner circle" seems to be so very distant right now. Costa Rica, St. Louis, Louisville, California... that is quite a circle. I'm feeling somewhat convicted that I need to reign in the circle a bit. Don't get me wrong, there are people that will forever me my "go to gals"... but during times like I have had recently I am recognizing that I just need some close friends to be just that --- close. I've been blessed with a great neighbor ... she and her husband are both dynamic, God fearing, solid people. And she kicks my butt when I start having pity parties. Everyone needs a friend like that --- I have more than enough, anyone want to share?! (Just kidding, I'm keeping them all!) My point... I have great people in my life I just need to invest more in those relationships that are here in Nashville and quit running out of town everytime I need a boost of care and concern from friends. I can have that here if I would just allow a few more people into my circle. Yeah, I'm preaching to myself. :) But for those of you reading this that are out of town --- don't think for a second this means you're being tossed from the inner circle; you know that is not the case.

Don't be disappointed, but I'm not so much in the writing mood tonight. But, I still have another 6 hours here so that might change in a bit. I'll be in touch....

Big Fun

Happy Easter!

I sure feel old this morning. My mom and nephew, Tyler, are in town for the weekend and we spent yesterday walking around the zoo. My legs are so tired today. I'm pretty sure the rest of me is too, but that has less to do with the walking and more to do with the fact that my adorable, six year old nephew feels it is necessary to sleep upside down and sideways in the bed. I think he consistently dreams of karate classes.

After returning home from the zoo yesterday, Tyler felt it might be a good idea for mom to hide some of the Easter candy she brought him. I explained to Tyler that I just happened to know the Easter Bunny's phone number and suggested we give him a call to see if he would mind swinging by my place while Tyler and I took a quick trip to Target. Of course, the obliging bunny said "sure" and Tyler and I were off to Target to give the Easter Bunny time to hide the goodies. Tyler, doubting this cool friendship between Aunt Trace and Bunny, asked if he could call the Easter Bunny "just to be sure he was coming". So, I made another call (funny the Easter Bunny's phone number looks a lot like my sister, Tina's - Tyler's mom.) But in the best Easter Bunny voice she could muster up, she (he) spoke to Tyler telling him he was on the way to Nashville to deliver eggs and candy to Aunt Trace's house. Seldom had I seen his eyes so wide. He did a great impersonation of what the bunny's voice sounded like. Convinced that night that he now had "connections" to the Bunny he sat wide eyed at my window saying "I'm gonna look for the big, white bunny -he's probably still in the neighborhood." Priceless.

Here are a few other things we did during Tyler's three day visit:
-- eating at O'Charleys Friday night was a big hit because "kids eat free". He couldn't get over that, nor could he get enough bread. Who can blame him?

-- trip #1 to Target to purchase toy #1.

-- mom and Tyler go to Toy Mart to purchase toys #2 and #3, while Traci's at work.

-- a night out at Chuck E Cheese, following Aunt Trace's trip to purchase flooring for her new home.

-- Trip #2 to Toy Mart for Aunt Trace to purchase toy #4 ... a cool semi, which I'm sure he needed. :)

-- Grassmere Zoo and the Aquarium for dinner.

-- Trip #2 to Target for toy #5! (yeah, he's spoiled but not rotten). The kid is great!!

This AM we're off to church and then mom and Tyler are off to IL. And Aunt Trace will spend the next 3-4 days missing Tyler all over again, as I do after every visit.

weekend help

Technically, I took a few days off work; but not really. I spent the past several days helping sweet Karla get settled (or at least moved, but not so much settled ... yet) into her new home. I was amazed at the loyalty Kar-Kar's friends showed to her over the past few days. She's got some hard working people in her life. My point -- Karla sure is loved. My "love language" is time or service spent on another person and well... let's just say the there appeared to be a lot of love this weekend. It made me happy to see so many people work so hard for someone they loved. yeah for friends!

touching base

It's been awhile... huh? To use my friend, Karla's word, I'll give you some "snippets" of what has been going on :

I met with the contractor yesterday for my townhome. New closing (tenative date) of June 15th. He said they would be calling weekly to update me of the progress with the house. This is exciting to TWO reasons; 1) Of course, I want to know the progress of the house, and 2) this guy was adorable...and single, from what I could tell. (i.e. no ring on the left hand). Needless to say, I'm fired up about the upcoming move, but not so much about the upcoming house note.

The job has been good. Much improved since February. Just needed a month under my belt to get my bearings. I'm liking it and have a great team to work with, which makes all the difference in the world.

I'm enjoying the increased temps here in TN. Won't be long and those weekends will be for riding the motorcycle on the TN country roads. (hope the battery is charged).

Well, that is about it on this end. Nothing too new to share.

Update for Mandy

Oh- I was just reading the comments on the blog... this one is for you, Mandy. (She wants an update on the awkward date a few weeks ago). You haven't received an update because there hasn't been a "date" or an "update". Once again... no "date" in this girls life. :) But, thanks for asking!

PS: Sorry for the double post earlier.

Marathon

Have you ever run a marathon? I haven't either, but lately that has been the analogy I have used to describe my life. I feel like I'm running a marathon but hadn't been training for it. See, I took a new job about 2 weeks ago and though I like it the pace is much faster than what i was used to the past 2 years. It's one of those jobs (as are many) where every person you deal with thinks that the universe revolves around them. Never mind the calendar, the clock, previous appointments, or lunch ---they want what they want, when they want it. And, me in my sick, distorted way have been trying to accomadate them one by one - only all at the same time. Does that make sense?
I'm learning a new job and I know that takes time, but I have this little problem called "inability to relax". Until I "have it figured out" I feel like I'm running the marathon, if you will, but haven't trained enough to know how to pace myself, or what to do to recover when I start to feel drained.
Thank God for anti-anxiety meds! I just wish they didn't take 6 weeks to start working. (Yeah, I work with the mentally ill and have a small element of my own.) Who doesn't? :)
I'm sure it'll get better - I mean that is what everyone is telling me. I guess I'll trust them and just keep on running the race.

Marathon

Have you ever run a marathon? I haven't either, but lately that has been the analogy I have used to describe my life. I feel like I'm running a marathon but hadn't been training for it. See, I took a new job about 2 weeks ago and though I like it the pace is much faster than what i was used to the past 2 years. It's one of those jobs (as are many) where every person you deal with thinks that the universe revolves around them. Never mind the calendar, the clock, previous appointments, or lunch ---they want what they want, when they want it. And, me in my sick, distorted way have been trying to accomadate them one by one - only all at the same time. Does that make sense?
I'm learning a new job and I know that takes time, but I have this little problem called "inability to relax". Until I "have it figured out" I feel like I'm running the marathon, if you will, but haven't trained enough to know how to pace myself, or what to do to recover when I start to feel drained.
Thank God for anti-anxiety meds! I just wish they didn't take 6 weeks to start working. (Yeah, I work with the mentally ill and have a small element of my own.) Who doesn't? :)
I'm sure it'll get better - I mean that is what everyone is telling me. I guess I'll trust them and just keep on running the race.

snowy saturday

So, I open my eyes this AM and I think "it seems awfully bright in here"... then just as I did when I was in elementary school, I peered out the window to see the snow. A soft, thin blanket of snow covered the ground --- in IL we would call it a "dusting" but here in Nashville - it was chaos. Classes were closed, games were cancelled and people were spending the day hybernating in their homes. Smart, for sure, if you've ever seen the way Nashvillians drive. I, like a kid, longing for a snow day was ecstatic when I found out that I wasn't going to have to go the gym and coach my 4th grade girls bb team. It's fun, but we're having a losing season and well... I just didn't want to go today. So, I made some hot chocolate and curled up on the couch to read a book. Sounds good, doesn't it? Ah, don't get too excited - my to do list had been made so I couldn't relax. I was up, showered and out the door within the hour.

I drove around on slushy streets, deliberatly executing a safe skid around a few turns. And for a few minutes, I missed the cold winters of Illinois and longed for a winter trip to MN, as we used to do to visit my uncle. And then reality hit... I had to get out of the warm car and run the errands. And quickly I was reminded of why I moved to TN in the first place; mild winters. But the snowy saturday was comforting in a cold, bitter sort of way. It was the recurrence of something familiar; a catalyst for memories tucked away... and the memories made the cold, snowy Saturday much warmer. I hope it snows tomorrow.

Well, another week gone by ... it's been a good week. I'm still getting accustomed to my new job and all the in's and out's of working with the homeless population. Few things will humble you more than to meet a homeless person, hear their story, and realize any and all of us at any point of time could be a decision or circumstance away from being in their shoes. It's pretty amazing and makes me very grateful for the roof over my head, the food in the fridge and the money (beit ever so little) in the bank.

It's a firm reminder that its all a blessing --- I am no more deserving than any one of the people I serve--- and I shouldn't take it for granted. So, I have little to say today except --- be grateful! And take care of what you have!

Job and Jaxon

Well, it's lunch time and I'm anything but hungry. Though, I have been going hard all day long. Do you ever work so hard and long that eating just sort of slips your mind? I do it... not often enough, as evidenced by my jean size.

I started my new job this week. It's been good, but extremely busy. Monday through yesterday was spent "in the field" as we call it, meeting contacts from our referral agencies. That was all good; though I was exhausted by the end of the day due to having to "be on" all day. The older I get the more I recognize I am an introvert. Some of you who know me may beg to differ, but that is - because you know me. My preference most days is to stay quiet and to myself. Ask Karla, whom I went to a Super Bowl party with; only to be found upstairs in a room pretty much by myself, midway through the second quarter. I like people, no doubt. And good thing, 'cause I work with them everyday. But I find my energy source is definitely not fed through being with people.

Back to the job thing... it's good. Though today has been spent sifting through piles of clutter and other people's mess. And again, if you know me at all, you know that clutter ---well, I despise it. If it were up to me, I would haul the whole mess back to the dumpster and let the fine Nashville Trash Company pick it up. But, I have been asked to sift through it and determine what needs to go and what needs to stay. Again, I don't like cleaning up my own mess let alone someone elses'. (Okay... so you caught me venting a little.)

Let's talk about something fun and exciting... my sweet friends Mark and Michelle are now proud parents of Jaxon You-An McKinney! They have been parents for awhile now, but finally got to hold the little man yesterday after arriving in Taiwan. If you think of it; I'd ask you to pray for Mark and Michelle. Specifically that Michelle would feel better... she had been pretty sick before arriving in Taiwan. And, of course, that the Lord would lead them in parenting this beautiful little boy. Thanks...

And now I am happy again. Who cares that I have junk to sift through...it's all relative.

akward times

Okay, so I have a secret...I've been doing the Eharmony match-making deal on the internet for the past couple months. I always swore I'd never do that but when you are my age and content to go home at night and throw on your pj's,the chances of meeting someone gets pretty slim. Some friends tell me the only way I am ever gonna meet anyone is if they throw themselves in front of my car. Unfortunately, this is probably not too far from the truth.
Lastnight I went out with one of "my matches". We met for dinner and... well, it was awkward, at first. I hated the first part of the dinner. I felt like I was in some interview and felt myself analyzing my every answer. "Did that make sense?", "Do I look like an idiot?" , "Do I have lettuce in my teeth?" It was miserable and I was quickly reminded of why I don't date.
After dinner, Shawn offered to walk me to my car. I'm not sure what happened; if it was the night air, the fact I was only feet away from my car and could bolt in a flash, or if it was the fact that I knew this night was coming to an end I needed to "save face". Regardless of the reason, I totally mellowed out. In the last 30-40 minutes of our conversation I felt comfortable. And he noticed. He was a pretty observant guy and very calming. I had made a comment earlier in the night about how hard it is to be 'real' during those first encounters... but by the end of the evening I found myself feeling more and more like myself.
There were no sparks, he didn't ask me to marry him and we didn't set a second date in stone. But, I did step outside of my comfort zone and meet someone who chose to take time out of their night to get to know me a little. Who knows, nothing may come from this or I may have a new found friend, but regardless as with many of life's experiences, I learned a little about myself.
For a guy who only knew me 2 hours, he was very encouraging and gave me some good insight into myself. And, if for nothing else other than that, it was worth the time.

akward times

Okay, so I have a secret...I've been doing the Eharmony match-making deal on the internet for the past couple months. I always swore I'd never do that but when you are my age and content to go home at night and throw on your pj's,the chances of meeting someone gets pretty slim. Some friends tell me the only way I am ever gonna meet anyone is if they throw themselves in front of my car. Unfortunately, this is probably not too far from the truth.
Lastnight I went out with one of "my matches". We met for dinner and... well, it was awkward, at first. I hated the first part of the dinner. I felt like I was in some interview and felt myself analyzing my every answer. "Did that make sense?", "Do I look like an idiot?" , "Do I have lettuce in my teeth?" It was miserable and I was quickly reminded of why I don't date.
After dinner, Shawn offered to walk me to my car. I'm not sure what happened; if it was the night air, the fact I was only feet away from my car and could bolt in a flash, or if it was the fact that I knew this night was coming to an end I needed to "save face". Regardless of the reason, I totally mellowed out. In the last 30-40 minutes of our conversation I felt comfortable. And he noticed. He was a pretty observant guy and very calming. I had made a comment earlier in the night about how hard it is to be 'real' during those first encounters... but by the end of the evening I found myself feeling more and more like myself.
There were no sparks, he didn't ask me to marry him and we didn't set a second date in stone. But, I did step outside of my comfort zone and meet someone who chose to take time out of their night to get to know me a little. Who knows, nothing may come from this or I may have a new found friend, but regardless as with many of life's experiences, I learned a little about myself.
For a guy who only knew me 2 hours, he was very encouraging and gave me some good insight into myself. And, if for nothing else other than that, it was worth the time.

Hump Day

Oh Glory --- it's hump day! That doesn't mean much since I have to work this weekend. My last "official weekend of work" before the new gig is up. I'm getting more and more anxious about it as the time draws nearer. I am very encouraged by the confidence the staff has in me, but nervous about it at the same time. I don't want to let anyone down. But, then I think --- I'm an athlete I can usually come through under pressure; why should my job be any different? Right? Right!

I do have the day off tomorrow, which WAS exciting until I started making my list of things to do. Now I am beginning to think it would be less hectic just to go to work. Though I am excited to meet my friend, Katie and her baby for lunch. That makes me happy and will likely be the highlight of my day. My poor car has to go to the auto doctor tomorrow --- some erg, egr, or abc valve is broken and time to be fixed. Especially if I'm gonna get my new TN license plates.... all the cool people have them. :) We have some crazy emission law around here and you have to get your emissions tested before they will allow you to get your registration renewed. Just another way to make a buck,I guess. But be the good law-abiding person that I am, I will get it checked.

Speaking of law abiding --- I got a speeding ticket today. I guess it was just meant to be. I got pulled over yesterday and received a warning ... today, however ---not so lucky. I know, I know TWO DAYS in a row! What can I say? I don't feel good and when I don't feel good the last thing I want to do is drive. So, I hurry from here to there and BAM ---they got me. I've never been to drivers classes before but I am thinking it might be a good idea at this time. I don't want that crazy ticket on my insurance. We'll see, I am gonna have to look into that deal and see if its worth the time. I'm pretty sure it's gonna be.

So, all that to say ---it's HUMP DAY. But, to me, it's just another day. Hope yours is good.

I'm not sure what to blog about at this moment...nothing to fascinating going on this evening. I had a good weekend and though I'm often okay with facing Monday morning today was difficult for some reason. I think I had too much "down time" yesterday evening. I had tickets to see HAIRSPRAY ( a friend and I purchased season tickets to the TN Performing Arts Center) but lastnight was rainy, stormy and just plain gross so I didn't want to get out. So, I didn't. I laid on my couch with two candles burning listening to sappy love songs and requests.
Earlier during the weekend I spent some quality time with one of my favorite boys, G. He's 12 and adorable. He had called late Saturday morning to see if he could spend the day with me. Of course, I said yes. We went to a basketball game, then to run some errands, out to dinner and to a movie. It was nice. I was encouraged by the manners he displayed while we were out -- he opened a door for me every time he got the chance. I was impressed --- chilvary (is that how you spell it?) LIVES!
Now, I sit as my desk at work... watching the clock move ever so slowly. If I'm quiet enough, I can hear my pillow, blankets and bed yelling at me in the distance. My head continues to hurt and I'm pretty certain this computer isn't helping. So, perhaps I should sign off and just let my eyes rest. I think I'll do that...

Early Blessings

It's not technically my 32nd year yet, but good things have been happening. About 2 1/2 weeks ago I was approached by my former supervisor (now a big cheese here at the agency I work for) and asked about my professional goals. After a short while she approached me about some upcoming opportunities she wanted me to take advantage of her at our agency. Her confidence and support led me to a few interviews and now 2 1/2 weeks later, I have accepted a job in managment as a supervisor of a team here at MHC. I'm pretty excited about it. So the new job change to take place, February 6th would be blessing #1.

As for blessing #2, it is still in the works but I am looking into buying a condo. I found a great one in the area where I currently lived. I'm still working through some financial details but it looks like it could happen. I feel so grown up, or at least like I am headed in that direction. I'm humbled and grateful for the early blessings of my 32nd year and find myself wanting to "do right" so as not to mess anything up. What a warped thought process --- to think that i have done anything to deserve any of the blessings I have received. I suppose the thought process should be to remain grateful for that which is sent my way and be wise in the process of change, whatever that looks like.

#32

As we all did, I just started a new year. Not just any year... my 32nd year! That is a pretty big deal to me. Remember when you were in high school and/or junior high and you'd sit next to the athletes in your class? Remember how they would write their number next to their name as they signed their assignments? Or how they would prance around in their football (or my in case, volleyball) jacket or jersey, wearing their number with pride as though they had just been given a gold medal in the olympics? Well, I was that person. And when I was in school my number was 32! I was obsessed. I'd think it was some special sign if I looked at the clock and it was "8:32" or if gas was only $1.32, I'd shout out "32! Did you see it?!" After showering, I'd vandalize the fogged up bathroom mirror with 32's ranging in size. I even went so far as to get a Highway 32 sign (illegal, I know) for my 16th birthday from a dear friend of mine, at the time. Anyway, like I said, I was obsessed.
The point you ask? Well I recently realized this is my 32nd year...not only that but I was born on the 32nd day of the year! February 1st for those who can't figure it out. Do you know it took me 32 years to realize I was born on the 32nd day?! I shouldn't tell people that, but its true. Oh yeah, back to the point... I am claiming that this year is my best year yet. It HAS to be ... I mean after all its my 32nd year. So keep reading in the days to come as I share with you some of the newest, greatest happenings in my not-so-entertaining life. :)

TELEPHONE

You know that game we used to play as children? The one called "TELEPHONE"? I hate that game. You know the drill - one person starts by saying something and then it goes down the line until the last person hears it and when they blurt it out it is something completely different than originally said. Yeah, that's the one. As an adult, I like to call it "RUMOR STARTING". I've experienced some TELEPHONE/RUMOR STARTING lately and it is very frustrating. Fortunately, I found out because a good friend had the sense to communicate with me and we later learned the the "telephone connection" broke down and... well, what could have potientially been a disruption in our "service" (friendship) was mended. Props to those who aren't afraid to communicate!

Alots been going on in my life this year (all 16 days of it!) More than I will be able to share in the coming days... so stay tuned! :)

a night with my boys

I'm not a mom, but I play one .... not on tv, but everynow and then I get the privledge of caring (in great capacity) for two wonderful boys. Tonight is one of those nights. I remember vividly when I was growing up and I'd smart talk my mom, or whine and complain about something...anything and the response would be "one day when you have kids of your own, you'll understand." Well, like I said... I'm not a mom, but I think I "get it." Or at least I "get it" more than I used to.

I've been here watching my not-so-little buddies, the youngest is 8 and the eldest, 12...going on 18. Scary! What is it about boys and bodily functions? I hadn't been here 20 minutes and the youngest felt it necessary to play the "butt trumpet" for me. Of course, I laugh at first and quickly follow up with, "say excuse me, please?" He doesn't want excused - he wants laughs! I sit and laugh at him as I attempt to ward off his every attempt at staying up til his mom gets home. (I used to do that!) I usually calm him down by telling him a G-rated version of one of my work stories often embelished to entertain yet modified not to scar. As for the eldest, well he was in rare form tonight - procrastination at its finest. "let me make you cookies..." ".... let's talk I haven't seen you for awhile"... or (the one I used) "I can always do it tomorrow". Well, mom said it'd all come back around once I had kids -- the good Lord didn't even wait til then. I think I was so mischevious as a kid, i am gonna get a double dose. It's alright though, with that I've learned, love far out-weighs the frustration of sibling rivalries, school-work procrastination and nasty smelling gases coming from 8 year old boodies.

All in all, it's been a good night. Because as I mentioned earlier, these two little men also make my heart tender...in a way only children could.

Ttime

Ttime

Well, day number two of my life as a blogger --- so far, so good. It's mid-day and my day has been busy thus far, but my thoughts and my heart are very tender at this moment. So, I thought I'd stop doing work for a minute or two and write down what is going on inside of me...

Isn't it great the influence that people have on our lives? The way a memory can make you smile or the sound of a voice bring a tear to your eye? I love that about the people in my life. I love the way relationships make our hearts tender; especially in a world full of busy-ness and chaos. I know, your asking - "where is all this coming from"? Let me tell you:

My dear friend has the sweetest mother I know and today is her birthday (the mother, not the friend). I just called her to wish her a birthday greeting, with the hopes of brightening her day, but the strangest thing happened - she brightened mine! People like that make my heart tender and I am so grateful for that! She is one of those people that makes you think "I want to be like that when I grow up!" :) Lord willing, I will be like my sweet Mamma Lows. I hope any and all who read this have sweet persons placed in your life; people that bring smiles with memories and joyful tears with the sound of their voice.

trying to figure this out

I'm gonna need your patience while I try to "organize" this blog thing. At this point, I don't know the difference between my blog name, user name, and who knows what else. Keep in mind, I've given into the peer pressure here--- this could take some time.

for starters

Okay, so a few of my friends are doing this BLOG thing and they love it. Well, I love that they do it. It's a great way to keep track of what is going on in their lives. Especially when you wish so badly you could be with them...just hanging out, having pajama days, sharing stories and laughing. SO --- this is for you Mandy- Schmandy! ENJOY!

I'm not real certain what one should put in a BLOG, I highly doubt my life is worth reading about. Though, I often put my deepest thoughts on paper so you just never know what you might be reading in the upcoming days, months and who knows... maybe years! (We'll take it a day at a time right now.)